This seems like quite a dark blog, and it may well end up being that way. However, this is more an observation of how I feel about other spiritual people that do not live up to MY expectations. Now that may be wrong of me, but I don’t think having values, morals and standards as being wrong.
Here I am telling you a story that is actually based in fact. Obviously names have been changed or not being mentioned but this happened, and the result of these things meant a betrayal of my own feelings and integrity. Something I am not proud of, and I take responsibility for it, and my actions since. I probably could have handled things differently. But that is in the past, bridges have been burnt, lines have been crossed and in all of this, I have held my head up high knowing that I was lead into a situation that I was not happy or comfortable with.
It all starts with a friendship, a brilliant friendship, although very much one-sided with me giving a huge amount of emotional support to someone. And at first, this was not a problem, I had plenty to give. Over the years though it got harder and harder to provide an emotional back bone to someone when my own was being eroded away by depression. Spending time with anyone, when you are an empathic person, is hard anyway, and when that other person drains you of all your energy, it becomes more and more difficult to be present with it all. And when they are demanding your help in ways that you are not comfortable with, that go against your morals and integrity, but you do them anyway because you want to support them, your own depression becomes deeper, you start to question yourself!
Add into the mix the power of intuition and being able to ‘read’ people easily, and knowing that the other person is beginning to see you as more of a threat than an actual friend, talking behind your back, blaming you for situations that were far beyond anyone’s control and thinking that you were actually the one withdrawing. Which I admit, was happening, it was a long process that started with a written conversation blaming me for certain things. One of the things that was mentioned in that conversation was my not being present during a hard time in their life, which I am totally understanding of, I wasn’t there, and I hated not being there. And where was I you may ask – in hospital for 7 days after an emergency c-section, that ended up with my son being in SCBU for almost 2 weeks, and me not being let home because of a variety of issues. I physically and emotionally couldn’t be there. I was dealing with my own problems for once.
Roll on a couple of years. And this process of withdrawal, ebbed and flowed. Sometimes all was hunky dory, other times it was brilliant and yet other times it became fraught. But even then I still did not want give up on the relationship.
Now, I don’t like to blow my own trumpet, but I am an honest person, hate lying or deceit (even though I did both for this friend because I genuinely loved her), and will take secrets to the grave. But, if someone asks me something, I will tell them (as long as it doesn’t involve any of those secrets).
Two people, one of which I have already described and another person became involved in a bit of tit for tat. Disagreements over working practises and ideas, that sort of thing. My friend would post intentionally emotive statuses to rile up the other person, she would ring me or text me and ask me to go check them out or to comment. Or private message me with another work related indiscretion that the other person had done. And to my disgust with myself, I let myself get involved, and even joined in.
There came a point when I was with the other person. And that person was asking me some very direct questions, ones which I answered freely (they didn’t involve any secrets that I was taking to the grave lol). But this conversation culminated in the statement – “Destroy her for me *****”.
I was shocked and disgusted that someone who says they are spiritual would actually make a request like that. Albeit retracted 2 minutes later but still the words were out. I left after that, came home and decided that I would not get involved, I would leave it where it was.
Unfortunately, other people in that room decided to tell even more people what had gone on. I got dragged into the middle of all, by both my friend and the others. I don’t handle situations like this very well. I don’t like being put on the spot or used by others in their tactical destruction of each other. I thought I could trust all of these people, and it turns out that I couldn’t trust a single one of them. And yes, again I went against my own honesty and did not admit what went on. All I wanted to do was hide from all the negativity.
One person used me as a scapegoat, convincing others that it was me who betrayed them. Lied to get themselves out of the situation, and then even manufactured a possible conflict (telling me that someone would not be somewhere so I could go to pick up some goods because they had told them they weren’t welcome). I walked straight into that one! It was one of the most difficult nights of my life.
I consider myself a deeply spiritual person. So did these other people. And yet, the lies, the manipulation and the downright evilness of that statement do not fit with my expectations of a spiritual person. Now does that make me the person in the wrong? Should I not have expectations of others? I have learnt a lot out of this situation.
I have learnt that just because I have morals and high standards, not everyone else does. I have learnt not to trust other people, despite how spiritual they may be. I have learnt to stand up for my morals and my integrity, no-one else will, and I will NOT give them up to help others anymore. I have learnt not to keep quiet about it, I have till now and all it has done is bruised and battered me. Emotionally that is. I am now standing up for what I believe in, I am putting my emotions first, and realising that what those 2 put out (and others) aren’t mine to deal with. It is their karma and their life lessons. Mine is not to let others walk all over me. I have hardened up. I am not sure yet whether I like this harder me. But I do love the fact that I am not getting so emotional over what I cannot personally control.
I had to write this tonight, I had to release this all out there to the Universe, so I could finally say – I AM FREE! Free from people who hide behind their spirituality to lie, cheat and manipulate others. Free from my emotions about them, they cannot affect me anymore. And free from this whole situation – it is behind me. There is no going back.