Anxiety and how it never truly goes away!

I was really undecided about my blog this week.  And then it hit me, let me tell you about my day today.  It has been a bit of an up and down rollercoaster to be honest.

Firstly, I need to share with you, a little bit about me (some of which I have shared before).  I suffered with anxiety quite badly.  I couldn’t leave the house (apart from the school run and to very familiar places) without someone with me.  Chris knew, but I hid it well from others.  This all started when I was pregnant with my first and by the time I had my fifth bubba – it was bad!  Shopping was a nightmare, I would start off getting hot, and having to catch my breath, before feeling dizzy and nauseous, needing to leave, get in the fresh air and sit down.  Quite a few years I suffered like this.  I tried not to let it affect me, but it did.  I used to go out all over the place on public transport.  It had all stopped.

Then last year, I decided enough was enough.  I had to beat this thing.  I made the decision to join a local networking group (well two to be precise) which would not only push my limits by making me take public transport again, but actually meeting new people and going to new places – on my own.  And I did it.  Public transport – a doddle now.  Meeting new people – easy!

That was until today!

I had a meeting to go to – early for me!  I do love my sleep, I can’t help it.  My underactive thyroid demands it, I feel useless without it, but I needed to go to the meeting.  I decided that Chris could drop me off near the venue, and I would walk round the shops for a little while until it started.  And that is where it all went wrong.  I walked around a couple of shops before going to the local bookstore.  As I was walking around, I started to feel the not so familiar panic setting in.  It starts off with me feeling hot, then I can’t quite catch my breath, I started to shake, and knew I had to get outside.  A few deep breaths and gulps of cold air got it all back under control.

It truly knocked me though.  It has been well over a year since this has happened to me.  I just wanted to slink off back home and lay on the settee – sod the meeting.

I walked a little so I could cool down.  And after a few minutes I felt ok again.  I had an internal battle going on about going home or staying.  I managed to let staying win, and even convinced myself to go into a couple more shops.  It wasn’t pleasant – because I was waiting for it all to kick off again, but it didn’t, luckily.

And I went to my meeting.  I am so glad I did, I am so glad that I didn’t let anxiety win today.  The meeting has been quite thought provoking, building on new ideas, and setting huge goals (got to dream big – right?)

Now, the day ended up better than it started, much better.  But it has knocked me a little, knowing that my anxiety had not finished with me – yet!  That I had not truly beaten it.  It did however make me realise that although it was not beaten, it was weak and wounded.  It couldn’t harm me anywhere near as much as it used to.  And for that I am grateful.

I am going to continue on my own self development and awareness.  I am going to continue sharing my knowledge with others and helping them to overcome their fears using my energy therapies and spiritual awareness.  And if you need support or some guidance then just drop me a message, I am always glad to help.

 

Nikki x

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